WHAT DUDESPIN IS ABOUT TO SAY IS VERY IMPORTANT!!! LISTEN WHILE I EAT SOME MORE CHEESE DOODLES!!
NBA DraftNiks, your Christmas is finally here! Without any additional fanfare, DudeSpin presents its 1st annual mock draft:
1. POR - Greg Oden
2. SEA - Kevin Durant
No secrets here . The choice between these two have been debated in the media nearly as much as whether Paris deserves special treatment, and much more so than a timetable for withdraw from Iraq. That friends, sublimely illustrates this nation of misplaced priorities.
3. ATL - Al Horford
Despite the Hawks' confusing ownership structure seeing dollar bills in their dreams with a selection of Yi Jianlian, the management will grow some last minute brain cells and draft the more NBA-ready Horford. Since the Hawks haven't drafted any forwards recently, Horford should step right in. Oh wait. Nevermind.
4. MEM - Mike Conley
Yeah. That Chucky Atkins things isn't going to work out long term. Don't worry about a possible Kyle Lowry roadblock young Mikey - Lowry is a poor man's Moochie Norris. Haven't heard of Moochie? Exactly.
5. BOS - Yi Jianlian
With Kendrick Perkins looking every bit like the Kandi-man in his "development." Boston takes the BPA (Best Player Available) here to match a need. What will the Sports Guy say? Hopefully, something smarter than what he said about Yao when he was drafted.
6. MIL - Jeff Green
With Midget Boykins opting out and Mo Williams testing the FA waters, the Bucks are praying that Conley falls here. Unfortunately, god isn't a Bucks fan.
7. MIN - Joakim Noah
Looks like KG is all but out the door. This pick will depend in large part on: 1) who has the pick; and 2) if MIN keeps the pick, who did they receive in return. I'll ignore all rumors, and make the pick based on the assumption that Kevin McHale makes the pick. Which means it will be a disaster - hence, the enigmatic good liberal Noah is the pick here. Unfortunately, he's not a good basketball player
8. CHA - Brendan Wright
They have to, right? I mean, isn't Charlotte just a post-grad program for UNC players? (Felton, May, McInnis) Well, check that, the players would have to be grad before they can be post-grad.
9. CHI - Spencer Hawes
If the Bulls keep the pick, they thank their lucky stars for Isaiah Thomas and draft the backup-heir apparent to Ben Wallace. Hawes probably can't grow the same 'fro, but he'll still enjoy the Chris Duhon keggers.
10. SAC - Corey Brewer
On the assumption that Ron Artest is going somewhere, Sacramento fills a need with the BPA. Whether the former TV star Reggie Theus can make anything of it remains to be seen. If Brewer can't hack it, Theus may be able to find a replacement in his Saturday morning cohort A.C. Slater. I hear he showed some great athleticism in Bayside's homecoming game.
11. ATL - Acie Law IV
Most folks have Atlanta taking Law here, and why should we question the logic of the masses? Not like that has ever led us astray before... ahem... weapons of mass destruction... cough! No word on whether the Hawks get Law's father - Snoop Dogg - as part of a package deal for their halftime entertainment.
12. PHI - Al Thornton
In the new AI-era, there's a need for an interior scoring presence in Philly. Thornton fits the bill. Al should beware though - he better not bring his gayness onto Shavlik.
13. NOR - Nick Young
Weird not to write NOK there.
Young is the choice here.
Go get another beer.
14. LAC - Javaris Crittendon
Thinking about this pick made me think of Shaun Livingston's injury again. Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth. With Sammy applying for AARP benefits soon and Livingston's return uncertain, the Clippers will grab Crittendon here.
15. DET - Rodney Stuckey
Stuckey is a good fit for Detroit. Unfortunately, he can't guard LeBron either.
16. WAS - Julian Wright
The Wizards are thrilled that Wright falls here becase Jamison isn't getting any younger. The team still doesn't have a shooting guard, but the best SGs available at this point don't look too appetizing. What, you think Agent Zero wants to roll with some Euro like Bellinelli or Fernandez on his team? That's not how he rolls.
17. NJ - Jason Smith
Just what Jason Kidd wants - another project who's at least a year or two away from being a contributor. But hey, you can't win the East with Mikki Moore or Jason Collins in the middle. Actually, in the East, you probably can. So, if you put the Spurs in the east, replace Oberto with Brian Zoubek - what would happen next year?
18. GS - Sean Williams
Don has a dilemma here - he can't believe his fortune that Thaddeus Young is still available - but G/F are to the GS roster what evil is to Dick Cheney - there's already plenty to go around. So Williams is thrilled to wind up on the left coast here - he should be a regular at Haight and Ashbury.
19. LAL - Rudy Fernandez
The Zen Master and Kupchak will choose between Pruitt and Fernandez here. After seeing mixed results with SoCal guard Farmar last year, the Lake Show will go the international route this year. The end result will be the same - mediocre finish in a beastly tough conference.
20. MIA - Gabe Pruitt
Miami, like it did with Shaq, will be quick to jump on what the Lakers didn't want - either Fernandez or Pruitt. So Pruitt goes from USC to South Beach - lucky guy.
21. PHI - Tiago Splitter
So AI turns into a tall Brazzilian. It could have been worse, Sixers fans - you could be a Nuggets fan stuck in the West with an AI who's not getting any younger. An additional caveat, Tiago, don't bring your gayness to Shavlik.
22. CHA - Daequan Cook
The Hornets had to dust off Derek Anderson by the end of last season to start at SG because their other option was a surprisingly good Matt Carroll who is, nevertheless, still Matt Carroll. They'll be thrilled to get the high-ceiling Cook here.
23. NYK - Wilson Chandler
Every single mock draft has the Knicks taking Chandler with word that Isiah has made a promise to take him. Frankly, none of us are qualified to question Isiah's logic.
24. PHO - Marco Bellinili
Bellinilli should flourish in Phoenix. Then again, every player seems to flourish offensively when paired with Steve Nash and Mike D'Antoni. There, that description only took me seven seconds.
25. UTA - Morris Almond
With all due respect to Derek Fisher and the role he played in the Jazz's run, he is not the long term answer in Utah; and neither is Ronnie Brewer. Of course, I think Almond going to the Jazz just increased the black population in Utah by 25%.
26. HOU - Nick Fazekas
Houston's sabermetric GM Daryl Morey takes the best stat guy left - a player who racked up a better win score than both Oden and Durant. While that may signal to me that Win Score doesn't mean much in the draft context, Morey probably thinks differently. In any case, it'll be the best PF available (and that's still not Josh McRoberts). Word also has the Rockets possibly flipping the pick to Indiana for Ike Diagu or drafting Glen Davis.
27. DET - Derrick Byars
Unfortunately, he also cannot guard LeBron.
28. SA - Jared Dudley
Dudley, last seen choking on FTs, has raced up the draft boards with an outstanding camp in Orlando and solid personal workouts. The rich get richer with a guy who may well be the late-1st round sleeper of this draft.
29. PHO - Petteri Koponen
Yeah, that Marcus Banks thing really really didn't work out. So Phoenix draft Kopoken and hopes that Nash can hang on for a few more years.
30. PHI - Josh McRoberts
PHI GM Billy King is a Duke alum, and he'll grab the Duke forward here so McRoberts can avoid the embarassment of going from mid lottery to 2nd round in one year. Like the others before him, McRoberts should not bring his gayness to Shavlik.