Saturday, September 05, 2009

A Bedtime Story for the Young Dudes...

In honor of the next generation of dudes, I present a bedtime story…

Once upon a time in a fantastical, far-away land called Durham, over 33,000 people clad in blue gathered to pay respect to their King, Wallace Wade I. They sang, they danced, and they ate slaughtered pig in anticipation of a joyous evening.

But a swarm of large, red spiders marched into Durham ready to attack. At first, the good people of Durham did not worry too much. These spiders were from Dimension Two, a notoriously weaker dimension, and posed no threat. Besides, the people of Durham reasoned, they were protected by a mighty pack of blue devils and a fearless duke.

But these spiders should not have been taken so lightly.

They first used their magic powers to put a hex on all the legs of the blue devils. The hex worked so well that kicked balls would fly directly against the hands of charging spiders; those balls that did pass by untouched simply could not sail straight. The leg hex also made it impossible for any blue devil to run for more than three yards at a time.

As panic set in among the people of Durham, they turned to the brave knight Thaddeus, and his Lancelot, Johnny. This duo fought bravely and single-handedly destroyed many a spider. Johnny was so strong, in fact, he reminded the people of Lord Eron, a noble fighter who left Durham last year.

With 9:09 left in the first half of the war, No. 9 teamed up with Johnny and gave the blue devils their 9th point, and the stars seemed to be aligning in favor of our heroes.

But soon the spider voodoo magic worked against the two brave knights. The spiders confused Thaddeus’ mind, making him and Prince Cut believe the object of the game was to throw from side to side, and not down the field. Spider Magic clouded Johnny’s judgment, and he spiked a ball, needlessly negating a large gain on a key charge.

And when the spiders had killed off the last of the blue devils, they charged the innocent people of Durham. With piercing bites, the spiders sucked the joy out of the people’s lives, crushing their hopes and dreams, and leaving their hollow corpses to endure this type of cruelty 11 more times.

The moral of the story, young readers, is that being a Duke Football fan sucks. It's best you learn that now.

A few stray comments…

- Although 99% of the packed crowd left half way through the 4th quarter, the big fat guy in front of me stayed the entire game to keep me cramped in.

- Ill-advised promotion of the year: Andy’s Burgers, Shakes, and Fries is opening a restaurant in Durham, and the ad said that fans should celebrate Blue Devil football victories there.

- I absolutely cannot handle another season filled with field goal kicking like tonight. I am at my breaking point. I remain committed to the idea that I should train my daughter to become a kicker, and force her to choose Duke.

- Tonight they highlighted the opening of the new practice field and football building, and it gave me an idea. The two corporate dudes must start saving their money to some day buy a building on campus. The catch? It must be called The Dude Duke Football Building.


Big Daddy said...

Brilliant!! Absolutely Brilliant!!!

Head Dude said...

This was the literary equivalent from your UConn video of several years back. Unfortunately that means you've best shown your skill at conveying embarassment.
I was in the car listening to the postgame show (thanks to the wonders of XM), and Bob Harris was trying to sugarcoat the game. His partner would have none of it.
The only silver lining is that we have two I-AA opponents, and only one can count towards a bowl game. We've made sure that's not a problem!

The Dude said...

we should be able to beat NC A&T.

ThadisRad said...

Maybe we were just a victim of the fates. Here were two omens I missed...

1) Last week, a gruesome spider took residence on my deck. On Wednesday, I spent an hour at my computer table staring at him through the sliding glass door as he slowly killed and devoured a grasshopper.

2) Friday night was the full moon. The September full moon is known as the spider moon because it is when spiders lay their eggs.

Destiny was clearly not with us Saturday, but surely she will smile upon us next week when a school of selfish, rich white kids takes on a school full of people willing to sacrifice their lives for a larger cause.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to eat your feelings at Andy's Duke fans

Big Daddy said...

Sometime with more knowledge please enlighten me. I thought I read somewhere that since we are playing 2 I-AA opponents that meant that we had to have 7 wins to be eligible for a bowl. (of course I'm sure the assumption behind such a rule if it exists is that a team would beat both of those teams)

As for omens, does No Doubt's Spiderwebs playing on the radio on the way to the game count?

Back to tennis and the Open

The Franchise said...

Man, I spent all day Saturday at Labor Day weekend gatherings with family and friends telling anyone who would listen that we were thinking bowl this year. Fortunately the game was played late enough that no one was around to laugh at me when it was over.

At least Thad lit it up, which is something else I told everyone would happen this year.

Um, there's always next year?